Sometimes I ask myself, "Why are all our social interactions either about the marks we get, the money we make or about gossip about someone else? How is it that 99.99% of all our teenage conversations devolve into sex or money?
Being kicked out and rejected a countless times (2 out of 3 colleges) during my active Uni days taught me how to move on. After having gone through all levels of authority from the Dean of faculty to Registrar about my intentions to leave college in 3rd year, dropping out of several courses in fourth year and that Statistics repeat course that I was never going to to finish and consequently finishing my 6 years in 3 college with no papers to brag about taught me that perseverance and determination prevails.
These events, among others, have made me numb.
Comfortably numb. Not that I’ve created a wall for myself that stops everything from coming in and me from going out, NO. Things don’t affect me anymore. Events mainly negative ones have lost their weight, their significance. I just shrug them off and continue. I’m like an addicted hemp junkie whose Chamba has recently become ineffective. Except that it’s life, and not Chamba, that no longer affects me.
So, I’m looking for that depth in life. When I share my honest thoughts, I’m met with reactions ranging from puzzlement to hostility. Most of my friends don’t share my concerns, but are more intent on ‘concrete’ issues and fitting in with others’ expectations. That's not me.
I want something more in life. Learning, meditation and all these things are great, but they have their limits. I want to share my time and energy with someone, but she’s too busy for now chasing grades in the hopes of a job, even though a job won’t get my generation far. But most of all, I want something meaningful. I don’t know what it’ll be, I just want it. I want meaningful activities, meaningful discussions. I want to contribute to mankind. I want to help in the development of my nation. I ant to help develop this world.
But I don’t know how.
For the longest time I hesitated to write about my existential crisis, because it could be framed negatively in a million ways possible.Well, just after 2 pieces some have already started judging me.
But once in a while, I come across people who have to cope with their existential crisis precisely because they are too serious about life. And it breaks my heart. Every single time. Or every time I read about the thousands of unknown people pondering over their own existence, trying to find a reason to keep on living.
I now write, because I want to stand for an example to the ones after me, that it is possible to lead a meaningful existence, if only you have the courage to give meaning to it, yourself.
We care so much, and that gives us the cruel irony of not wanting to be part of this mess. But perhaps if you see beyond the mess and into the horizon, therein lies a set of unimaginable possibilities.
What we need are not reasons to exist, what we truly need are reasons to keep on believing.
That we are all truly capable of more and its okay to think differently.
To be continued...
Dennis Imaan is a Global Citizen born and currently staying in Malawi. He loves to share his experiences and lessons with others. Travel, Tourism, Innovations, Media and Youth development are close to his heart.